2019.1.1
On the first day of the new year, neither my cat nor I got off to a good start. It licked the hair on its belly into a thin layer, so I had to find a doctor to buy medicine and spend the money I planned to buy a scarf.
Today, many people in the circle of friends are summing up the past and looking forward to the future. Although I have not published any news, I can’t help but think of some previous things.
I remember when I first came to Beijing, I didn’t have any friends (I still don’t have any), and I was carrying a huge 28-inch suitcase alone, which contained all my dreams.
Later, I gradually realized that the word dream is very “rustic”. In Beijing, most adults who have drifted for several years will not openly discuss it, and even if they do, they will change a less ethereal word, such as “goal”, “ideal” and sometimes even “hobby”.
Only a small-town girl like me, who has little knowledge and has never been beaten by society, will summon up the courage to talk about “dreams” in front of everyone, and then realize that something is wrong in the slightly surprised and funny eyes of her colleagues, and finally choose to shut up and return to silence.
My first job, and so far, is a wedding designer, who is responsible for arranging various areas of the wedding scene and making them look what the couple most expect.
Originally, in my opinion, this is a job of dreaming for others. After all, getting married is an important thing. Everyone should have their own dream wedding, and we designers should regard dreaming as their own dream.
-that’s what I said when I introduced myself, but my colleagues didn’t touch me at all, and only one or two people even nodded their heads.
Those two people, like me, are new employees this year.
I didn’t know why everyone was dismissive of my words until I joined the company for half a year.
It turns out that the wedding is not a completely beautiful thing. When I meet more new people and families, I find that some of them are inseparable from each other, while others are reluctant. As big as the color of the wedding scene, as small as the type of dessert, it can be the fuse of quarrels between two people or even two families.
In addition, the company’s requirements for designers are not only to connect with Party A and do a good job in design, but also to learn how to be a good sales and budget division, negotiate more lists and make better-looking but more profitable quotation sheets.
These two points alone almost ruined the beautiful job I imagined.
But I didn’t resign, because I’m not an impulsive person and I don’t have the capital to do things on impulse. At that time, although my family was not poor, it was by no means rich, at least it could not continue to give me too much financial support after I went to work; And when I first entered the workplace, I didn’t have enough savings to bear the consumption in Beijing until I found a completely satisfactory job.
Yes, this job is not as beautiful as imagined, but it is also in line with reality-otherwise why is everyone so taboo to talk about “dreams”?
A year later, my savings gradually increased, and I moved to an apartment building near the company, with a room of 30 square meters, a separate balcony, and an evil and lovely kitten.
When this kitten met me, she didn’t know how many inner struggles I had experienced in the past two years, just as when I met her, she didn’t know how she had been wandering and how miserable the car accident was.
I only see its bald tail sticking up high, and it only pays attention to the freeze-dried beef that I just unpacked-we both think each other is very good.
But I know that those setbacks, cowardice and entanglements will not disappear in a short period of time, and then they will form a tenacious force again. They are just condensed into a virtual shadow buried in the depths of my thoughts, and I can’t tell when it will fade away, and I can’t tell when it will suddenly emerge. Now it seems that this shadow can’t fade away in a short period of time. It may have climbed into my blood vessels and flowed all over my body.
Reality, this giant hand, easily tore the false happiness I built in the past two years into pieces, and it became a piece of white snow.
7、2019.1.13
The cat is gone! I forgot to close the window when I went out!
8、2019.1.14
I asked for leave today, because I couldn’t find a cat in the community all day yesterday, and I still had insomnia at night.
I am suddenly not sure whether it is really inseparable from me as the doctor said, but I know that I must be inseparable from it.
I lived alone in Beijing for more than a year before. During that time, I was not happy. I often questioned whether I was suitable for my current job, but I was indecisive and hesitant to make changes.
I seem to have become an island, with a quiet surface. In fact, I have been floating in the cold dark sea until I met it.
At that time, cats were popular on the Internet, but that’s not why I chose to adopt a cat. I like cats very much-and my doctor also suggested that I choose a lively and soft animal to accompany me.
Yes, in high school, I seemed to have a slight social anxiety disorder. In fact, this statement is not very accurate, because “slight” is my own definition. At that time, no one took me to see a doctor, and there was no reliable psychologist in the small town where I lived.
After college, I was unfortunately caught in the whirlpool of online games-I can’t tell whether I was addicted to games to escape from reality, or whether I was addicted to games, which led to more escapism. In short, I had less communication with others in my life and began to feel unwarranted anxiety about any social or public occasions.
Fortunately, life in college is very free, and activities and parties that I don’t want to attend can be completely rejected, which at most makes everyone feel that I am more at home.
But near graduation, I suddenly realized that I was going to enter the society and deal with all kinds of people. This discovery makes me extremely anxious and panic. I spend every night in trouble sleeping, constantly thinking about how to face one interview after another and how to hide my anxiety and embarrassment in front of the examiner.
When I think that someone will look at me with a critical eye, I feel that I am about to suffer a cruel death.
So, I made a seemingly unreasonable choice: I left the south and came to Beijing, where I had never set foot, as if the farther I fled, the thicker my face would become.
There are no people who know me in Beijing, and big cities are always busy and self-centered. Probably no one will care about my existence-the indifference of others will make me feel a little at ease to some extent.
But working in a big city didn’t make me feel better. As I said before, I thought I could shrink behind the computer screen and only deal with design software every day, but it didn’t.
So my social anxiety is more serious. Only when I lie in bed every day will I feel relaxed for a moment, wishing I were lying in a coffin instead of a bed. As long as I think that I will face strange customers the next day, I will suffer from insomnia, dizziness and even numbness in my hands and feet.
I am like a drowning island. I feel suffocated and nauseous when I know I won’t drown, and I don’t know what to do.
In order to save myself, I desperately opened the search engine and saw some treatment suggestions on the page. It is said on the Internet that patients should establish self-confidence and become strong from the inside out-this is nonsense; Others suggest that patients should read more books and travel, and release their energy to their work-reading is really relaxing, but I don’t have the time and money to travel, and I can’t restrain my resistance to some work; It is also said on the Internet that we should have more positive language communication with our relatives and friends-I have no friends, and my family has no habit of communicating with each other. Everyone says no more than five sentences at the dinner table every day, and the discussion is nothing more than the salty food.
Then I saw the last article of the “treatment method for social phobia”: when patients have symptoms such as trembling, insomnia, dizziness, nausea, numbness of hands and feet, they must see a doctor in time, because it is difficult to overcome anxiety only by personal perseverance at this time.
-I finally found the fragile straw that pulled me out of the cold sea water. I went to see a doctor, received cognitive behavioral therapy for a period of time, and bought some drugs to prevent anxiety.
Finally, I adopted a cat. It is strong, lively, optimistic, and has all the good qualities that I don’t have, so I chose it, and I hope it can save me-in the more than one year of living together, it really did a good job, at least I seldom lost sleep again.
But now, it seems to have decided to give up on me.
Or maybe I pulled it into the water.
9、2019.1.15
Last night, I thought a lot, and once again I faced my dark psychological state, and unexpectedly I lost sleep.
I decided to keep looking for cats, so I took another day off. Although I am worried about its safety, I have to say that “looking for a cat” makes me feel more relaxed than going to work.
I’ve made some notices for finding cats, and I’m going to discuss with the property manager later to see if I can post them at the gates of several apartment buildings around.
I also spent half an hour editing a circle of friends looking for cats, ready to ask everyone to forward help in the rental group.
10、2019.1.16
The cat found it.
It turned out that it didn’t go far, just basked in the sun on the lawn downstairs for a while, and then it was taken home by a little girl in the corridor next door.
The attitude of the property manager is very good. When I heard that my cat was lost, I asked the owners for help, and accompanied two security guards to post a notice for finding a cat.
Everyone in the shared group is also very enthusiastic. Although they are discussing some boring topics at ordinary times, they often forward some false popular science and Pinduoduo’s help-I even prepared my news to be drowned in small talk. But unexpectedly, many people are very concerned about my cat. They have added my friends, posted notices and photos of it in the circle of friends, and even two girls specially told me on WeChat: Your cat is so cute. Remember to let me take a bite when it comes home.
So, I soon found the cat. Compared with running headless like a fly two days ago, this time it is particularly easy to recover.
The little girl who picked up the cat found that the hair on its belly was a little scarce and made it a pink fluffy skirt. The cat didn’t seem to reject it, so I didn’t tell her that it was actually a male cat.
Because I lost my cat, a large group of people suddenly poured into my life, such as the North drift girl who rented a house upstairs, the local aborigine who owns several properties, the young security guard who is usually unsmiling, the uncle who loves cats with greasy appearance and soft heart, and the sweet and lovely little girl who makes skirts for male cats.
It seems that big cities are not as cold as I thought, and communication with all kinds of people is not as terrible as before.
11、2019.1.20
I moved again today. Speaking of it, I have to thank the landlord and aunt in the rental group. She just vacated a master bedroom on the seventh floor with a balcony. The room faces south, the sun is very good, and the sky can be seen.
Originally, the rent for this master bedroom was 4,000 yuan per month, with one paying for three. But uncle cat mentioned in the group that my cat was depressed, but I didn’t have enough money to change it into a better living environment, so the landlord and aunt gave me a special discount of 3.5 thousand a month, one for one.
Although this price is still a little more expensive than my 2,500-bedroom, fortunately, my sideline business is gradually on the right track: more and more people are looking for me to do drawings on Taobao, and I even accumulated two regular customers.
My cat likes her new home very much. She actually made two rolls on the long-haired stall on the balcony and showed her belly for people to touch!
It hasn’t turned over to me for a long time!
12、2019.2.10
Adopting a cat is probably the most correct decision I have made in recent years, right? Who would have thought that I couldn’t get acquainted with anyone in Beijing for more than two years, but I met a few guys I could talk to because I was looking for a cat?
I have to thank it for running away from home-because if it hadn’t gone out, I probably wouldn’t have gone out. Sometimes, it’s just one step away from a bright future.
13、2019.2.21
Two girls who said they would come to suck cats in the same community came together today and brought snacks and small toys to the cats. Everyone had a good time.
14、2019.3.12
My mother called and said that she had moved to the cashier’s post, and her salary had risen to 5,000 yuan per month, but the bank card was taken away by the creditor. After the other party got the salary card, she let go, saying that it would be good to pay back 20,000 yuan on time every month.
She finally admitted to me that she owed over two million dollars for gambling, but the interest was horribly high. Fortunately, the lender was detained for two weeks for violent collection a while ago, but after he came out, his attitude changed greatly. Only then did the small town law-blind people know that if the loan interest rate exceeded the annual interest rate of 36%, the excess was not protected by law.
In this way, my mother will pay back 5,000 yuan herself, and my father will take 5,000 yuan from the monthly salary of 10,000 yuan. I only need to send 10,000 yuan home.
Moreover, this year, my fixed salary has risen to 15,000 per month, and my sideline income has almost caught up with this amount. Finally, I have some disposable income.
I’m getting busier and busier, but I’m also getting more and more aware of what I want to do-when my mother pays off the money she owes, I’ll quit my job and open a studio myself, making pictures quietly. When I’m too busy, I’ll recruit an assistant who is congenial to me and stop demanding unnecessary social interaction.
After all, I have a cat and a few people who get along well.
Speaking of cats-in addition to the two girls who suck cats, my cat has a younger human friend, the little girl who picked it up that day. Although they only got along for less than two days at first, they actually developed a profound friendship, which sometimes even made me feel a little jealous.
But I also want to thank this little girl, because when I am so busy, she often basks in the sun, watches birds and plays with toys with my cat, which makes up for my lack as a parent as her friend.
Now, my cat is no longer licking its fur, and it is no longer getting thinner-it even grows to 13 kilograms, which is heavier than before it got sick, and it has become a fat ball with a broad heart and a fat body.
When the weekend comes, I will install a bird feeder outside the window to let more birds come to my balcony with spring in their mouths.
My cat and I, we are all ready for spring, aren’t we?
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